wow, we are the best.
This is dedicated to a few of my favorite things: life, love, and sexy people.

This is how depression feels.

You wake up. Late. Again. You sigh for the umpteenth time and look out of the bedroom window. Some days the sun shines. Other days the weather matches your mood and the skies are filled with beautiful gray clouds. But when you’re down, it all feels gray. You wonder if you should go and make yourself breakfast but decide to lay in bed for another half an hour before getting up. Finally, you move. You put on the pot of hot water, make a cup of tea. Nothing sounds good to eat so you fix up the easiest thing you can. Maybe a bagel. Some eggs. Chocolate if there is some. Chocolate is supposed to help apparently. You sit on the sofa with your food and your tea and you just… sit. You’re tired even after the ten (eleven, twelve) hours of sleep and you know you shouldn’t go back to bed so you wait it out. For now. On the days when the sun shines, you ache because you can’t feel the warmth. Your world is tinted gray. One the days when it rains, you cry. Because the sky understands, at least a little, how you feel. You check your phone. A couple of messages from friends asking to hang out. Excuses about why you can’t. You become overwhelmed again with dread. Feelings of hopelessness when you try and think of how you can just get the hell out of this. There is no choice but to sleep it away so you do. A couple of hours pass, your roommate, parent, lover has gone and come home. You want to be excited to no longer be alone but now you’re in a daze. You’ve overslept for far too long and the sun has come and gone and dusk is falling. Sometimes dusk is the big gasp of air in a long, tiring day. It’s peaceful and your mind begins to rest. Night falls and the hunger is not there. You shower, brush your teeth, fix your hair, and look in the mirror one last time for the night. Disappointed. Sad. Time wasted. Life wasted. You go to bed.

This is how depression feels.

You wake up on time. Earlier than expected, though. You have a little bit of extra time today so you head out to campus, to the library, to the bookstore. You browse the people and enjoy yourself. You see old friends. They talk and engage with you and you are distracted. Mind is elsewhere. A smile on your face, a parting hug or a wave goodbye. The bench is empty and so you sit and think. What a beautiful day. You think of your future, or your lover, or your life, or yourself and now your heart is broken all over again, the anxiety creeps in and you feel your cheeks flush and your eyes burn and you know you can’t let it out here so you take a deep breath and calm down. There’s a little bit of nausea, suddenly you feel vulnerable. You need someone. Anyone. You meet a friend and spend the next few hours killing time. Relaxing. It’s getting dark and you head for home. Before your hand even hits the door handle, there’s a knot forming in your stomach. This is the place where you lose yourself. It’s the place that becomes dark when the feeling takes over. But it’s also your safe place. The place where you can curl up on the couch and cry or curl up in your bed and sleep forever. Occasionally, it’s home. You head straight for the bedroom and find a distraction. You read, play around online, watch a movie. The clock ticks on, the night flies by and suddenly you remember you must sleep before the sun rises. Lay down, close your eyes. The thoughts come. They don’t stop, not even for a second. The anxiety is back. Where is my life going? What am I doing? Is it worth being alive, is it worth suffering through this each day? Maybe I need a change. What kind of change? Life. Bills. School. Friends. Relationships. Money. No money. Social life. No social life. Random thoughts. What do I need? What the hell can I do? You can’t quite figure it out and so your brain thinks and overthinks and then you break down and you cry until you sleep.

This is how depression feels.

You wake up naturally. The light at the end of the tunnel is the first thing you see when you wake up. In reality, it’s just the rays of sun hitting the bed from your bedroom window but it sure does feel like heaven. You seem to have slept well. Pot of hot water, tea ready, breakfast ready. You’re motivated. Today is the day you get your life together again. The morning is filled with journals, plans, calls to friends, good food and good tea. You take a walk. Do the gardening. Play with pets. You find ways to distract yourself today because deep down, beneath the happiness, you fear it’s temporary. You enjoy some things you’ve always enjoyed. But the songs don’t quite sound the same, the activities aren’t quite as relaxing, the satisfaction isn’t what it used to be. A stale taste in your mouth. Something doesn’t feel right. More distraction. Random bursts of “happy”. Sadness looming. You fight it. With every inch of your being, you have enough strength today to fight it. When night comes, you’re worn out. It’s been a beautiful day, you think, as you lay down to rest. Sleep comes easy.

This is how depression feels.

Sometimes there is no anxiety. Sometimes there is no sadness. Sometimes there is both and the whole world is covered in a blanket. But there is only this type of day or that type of day and you never know which will come. You know this is how depression feels. This is what it is and it sometimes strangles and it sometimes lets you take enough of a breath to believe that you are alright. And each day, you fight it the best you can. With it or against it. On the worst days, you settle for another world. Close your eyes, put on a song, relish in the memories of days when contentment was tangible. But you still hope. When you come up to gasp for air, you hope. One day, depression won’t be the force that “lets” you take that breath of fresh air. You’ll do it yourself. You’ll have overcome this and the only thing “letting” you live each day beautifully will be yourself. And you don’t just hope. This, you know. It will come.

#depression   #coping   #helping   #hope   #therapy  


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